On Complaining
Reading & sermon preached by Reverend Carolyn Patierno
January 6, 2008

From A Complaint Free World:  How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted,  by Will Bowen

The following is testimony from Marcia Dale:

I’ve been wearing my Complaint Free bracelet since July 23, when Reverend Will offered the challenge to our congregation to go 21 days without complaining.  I thought at the time, “How hard can this be?  I’m an optimistic person.  I have a great family and a job I love.  … Twenty-one days … no sweat!”

Then I put on the bracelet and actually became conscious of how many negative things came out of my mouth!  This awareness … was amazing to me.  Over and over I stopped myself in mid-sentence and asked myself, “Do I really want to continue with this statement?  Is it going to accomplish anything positive?” And over and over the answer was “No.”  I wore out two bracelets changing wrists so often before I finally completed my 21 days [four months later.]

I continue to wear my bracelet … as a conscious reminder that my words are powerful and I have a responsibility to choose them wisely.  I’ve realized it’s not about stuffing your emotions in and putting on a Pollyanna face.  I have had to deal with some difficult personal and family situations over the last several months.  But before I let the words come out of my mouth, I think about them and set [out] to accomplish something positive with what I say.  It is possible to deal with difficult situations (and difficult people) without being negative.  And the result is ALWAYS so much better!

I have found that, even though I am very busy in my daily life, things seem to flow more smoothly.  Some friends that I used to spend time with have drifted away because without something to gripe about, we don’t have much to say to each other.  But that opens up space for more blessings.  The increased peace I feel is amazing!

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My ZiZi Yo Yo is a diminutive but very funny person, in her own way.  For as long as I remember, her stock response to the question, “How are you?” is “I can’t complain.  Even if I complain, no one wants to hear it.”   - which of course, in and of itself, is a complaint.

Which reminds me of one of my favorite jokes.   There’s this monk.  He lives in silence and is allowed to speak one sentence every 10 years.  After the first ten years the day arrives.  He says to his fellow monk, “The soup is always cold.”  Ten more years go by.  The day arrives.  He says, “My bed is too hard.”  Ten more years go by.  The day arrives.  “I quit.”  To which his fellow monk responds, “Fine with me.  All you ever do is complain.” 

Complaining is insidious.  We do it all the time.  From the weather to our jobs to our relationships – you name it, we complain.  Regardless of the fact that most of us consider ourselves optimistic and hopeful people, still, we complain.  And if pressed, all of us would rather spend time with folks who don’t complain so much.  As my ZiZi Yo Yo said, no one wants to hear it.  Take the monk as (an exaggerated case in point.)  Which isn’t to say that we are without compassion.  But it is to say that compassion runs thin after listening to someone complain for very long.

I feel compelled to say a few things at the top of my reflection.   Something about this idea of not complaining had struck me as suspect.  I’m guessing that some of you feel the same.   So, let me share the brief passage that kicks off the conclusion of Will Bowen’s book, A Complaint Free World: 

Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right.  And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior.  There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up – if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral.  ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ That’s complaining.   Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

So really, it is the energy behind the complaint that calls for our attention.  It is negative energy that distinguishes valid complaining from that which is not helpful and in fact damaging, and oftentimes chronic.  This type of complaining may make the complainer feel better while actually complaining but does little to inspire change or alleviate pain. 

As well, Bowen’s ideas are compelling but they are wrought with a certain assumption of privilege.  Not surprisingly, he doesn’t do a very thorough job of addressing real and systemic injustices.  But he does touch a nerve.  And so, let’s focus on the struck nerve while understanding the shortcomings of his theory.

So we’re all on the same page, I’ll share Bowen’s definition of complaining.  He includes criticizing and gossiping as forms of complaining while describing complaining as something that expresses grief, pain or discontent.  Bowen points out that there are rare instances in a person’s life – again, in the more fortunate person’s life – when there is grief, pain, & discontent - Thoreau’s “mass of men leading lives of quiet desperation” theory notwithstanding.  Bowen feels that we are too often (in his words) “an ouch looking for a hurt” … that we seek and find emotional and psychological benefit from complaining. 

Let’s consider the weather.  I was visiting Japan when I first came to realize how much we depend on griping about the weather as a kind of social lubricant.  Tokyo was experiencing a heat wave – temperatures were around 105 degrees for a week.  I was in Japan for a conference that I combined with a visit with a friend of mine who lives there.   I told him about my conversations, my griping, really, with a few folks at the conference about the weather and he laughed.  He correctly guessed that the Japanese response had been one of bewilderment.  He was right!  How did he know?  What did I way that was wrong?  My friend explained that no one complains about the weather in Japan.  It’s just not done.  Well, when we think about it, why do we complain about the weather other than to engage in conversation?  The weather is something we all have in common, after all.  We hook into and hook others into the conversation relatively easily.  But surely there’s something we can take up without complaining. 

A Complaint Free World holds up two points upon which most people agree.  These are:

• There is too much complaining in the world.
• The state of the world is not the way we would like it.

As he saw a connection between the two, he set out to do something about the former believing that the latter would be improved for it.   What he came up with is simple but not easy – as seems to be true of so many worthy undertakings.  Try not to complain for 21 days.  Be mindful of everything that comes out of your mouth and follow your parents’ admonition, “If you don’t have anything nice to say …”  Needless to say, quite a few people who talk about this experience talk about the need to become more comfortable with silence. 

You heard about one woman’s experience in the reading that Laurie [Blefeld] shared. 

I … actually became conscious of how many negative things came out of my mouth!  This awareness … was amazing to me.  Over and over I stopped myself in mid-sentence and asked myself, “Do I really want to continue with this statement?  Is it going to accomplish anything positive?” And over and over the answer was “No.”  … My words are powerful and I have a responsibility to choose them wisely.  I’ve realized it’s not about stuffing your emotions in and putting on a Pollyanna face.  … But before I let the words come out of my mouth, I think about them and set [out] to accomplish something positive with what I say.  It is possible to deal with difficult situations (and difficult people) without being negative.  And the result is ALWAYS so much better!

This is what I really like about this challenge.  It encourages self-awareness.  I’m all for anything that pushes us to look at ourselves unblinkingly.  And it does so without comment – you are in charge of what you do with what you learn – about yourself.    It emphasizes that all you can do is what you can do for yourself. 

There is wisdom in the idea that the energy we put into the world will draw the same energy to us.  Like attracts like.  There is certain wisdom in the idea that our health is improved with more optimism and less complaining. 

And here’s the double-edged sword.  For all the wisdom in this proposed endeavor, there is potential for a shadow side. 

I have recognized, in these years of ministry here in New England, that when people really do have reason to complain, that is, to express grief, pain, or discontent, they are less inclined to do so.  Whether it’s Yankee pride or what, I don’t know as few of the members of this congregation actually grew up in New England.  So, the problem may well be more widespread.  Ironically, when we are suffering the most, we seem to fall into the trap where we fear we will become a burden.  It’s as if we believe that our trusted and loved ones couldn’t hold up in the face of real suffering.   Well, they can.  We can.  When our relationships are crumbling; when we have finally come to admit that we are addicted, when we have lost our jobs or are having trouble finding employment; when our children are ill and suffering; when we become ill and our lives hang in the balance – these are the times we legitimately get to - need to express our grief.  And after we’ve thrown ourselves a little pity party, then we need to move on - to begin to pick up the pieces and look forward to a brighter day.  All of the challenges I just named – relationship crisis, addiction, unemployment, illness – all of these are more likely to be resolved if and when we get out of our own way and seek to live in a state of gratitude and hope rather than complaint. 

I’ve decided to begin the New Year attempting this challenge - attempting to refrain from complaining for 21 days.  I want to see what I learn about myself and about others.  I have to say, what most concerns me about this undertaking is that I’ve realized that much of the humor that I find so funny is based on complaint.  In fact, Bowen uses the monk joke I shared with you in his book to illustrate one of his points.  I don’t know if I will be able or willing to avoid this particular kind of humor.  We’ll see.

And yes, you knew this was coming, I’m going to encourage you to try to do it as well.  I think it will be interesting for all of us.  Remember that these are the tips offered to those who embark on this challenge:

• Remember that criticizing and gossiping are both understood as forms of complaint.   If what you say about someone else is something that would make them feel bad if you said it directly to them, it is a form of gossiping.

• Pay attention to the energy behind what you say.  If it feels negative, it likely is a complaint.

Bowen believes that by reducing the amount of negativity we put into the world, the world will change.   All any of us can do is “be the change we wish to see in the world”, in Gandhi’s words. 

Let’s do it!  Let’s be that change in the New Year ahead.

Amen.

Happy New Year, friends.

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