On Manners
Reading & sermon preached by Reverend Carolyn Patierno
February 5, 2006

"Manners are about showing consideration and using empathy. But they are also about being connected to the common good; they are about being better. Every time a person asks himself, “What would the world be like if everyone did this?” … Or “Someone seems to need this seat more than I do”, the world becomes a better place. It is ennobled. The crying shame about modern rudeness is that it’s such a terrible missed opportunity for a different kind of manners – manners based, for the first time, not on class and snobbery, but on a kind of voluntary charity that dignifies both the giver and the receiver by being a system of mutual, civil respect.

… [I] t is time to be plain at last. Rudeness is bad. Manners are good. It feels very daring to come out and say it, but I’ve done it and I feel better. I have used the words “bad” and “good”, and thereby committed the ultimate political fuddy-duddiness … Modern people are impatient with the bad-good distinction; they consider it intellectually primitive. But rudeness is a moral issue and it always has been. The way people behave towards each other, even in minor things, is a measure of their value as human beings. Henry James wrote:'“Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind'.”

From: Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door by Lynne Truss

Being a parent and/or working with children truly confirms that good manners don’t come naturally. As if we needed reminding, not too far beneath the surface, we are Neanderthals.
Perhaps your children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews remember their manners all of the time and have done so since they were two years of age, but my perfectly lovely daughter, at the age of 12 still sends my blood pressure plummeting when in some social setting she neglects to use her “courtesy words.”
I sometimes wonder if when she’s 30 years old, I’ll still be calling after her as she walks out the door, “Remember your manners!” Maybe I’ll have evolved enough by then.
Maybe I’ll realize that if, at 30, she’s not remembering her courtesy words there’s nothing to be done. Maybe I’ll wash my hands of the whole matter.

Which is all to say once again, good manners don’t come naturally.

I am someone who takes the matter of manners very seriously.
Manners are a kind of voluntary charity that uphold the three most important things in life, according to Henry James: to be kind x 3.
To me, manners are a moral issue as they are the building blocks of a compassionate life.
Manners help us to live more easily with others whether others are our family or those in the world beyond our homes.

Etiquette however, is a different matter. There is a subtle difference between manners and etiquette, according to Lynne Truss, author of Talk to the Hand. She quotes the philosopher, Julian Baggini who wrote, “… We have failed to distinguish between pure etiquette, which is simply a matter of arbitrary social rules designed mainly to distinguish between insiders and outsiders; and what might grandly be called quotidian ethics: the morality of our small, everyday interactions with other people”.

Lynne Truss builds on this idea when she laments, “The crying shame about modern rudeness is that it’s such a terrible missed opportunity for a different kind of manners – manners based, for the first time, not on class and snobbery, but on a kind of voluntary charity that dignifies both the giver and the receiver by being a system of mutual, civil respect.”

Even so, two years ago, I came upon The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette. It’s a doorstop of a book. I had to have it because I once learned first hand that although some of these rules of etiquette are archaic, there are certainly other rules that help us to feel safe and comfortable.
Case in point: about 15 years ago, my partner, Kate, and I were hosting Thanksgiving dinner. We had a core of family friends with whom we traditionally celebrated the holiday. This particular year, however, it seemed that each of the core asked if they could bring along a friend … or two. That was fine with us, of course … the more the merrier, etc. As I prepared for our guests, I was moved to make place cards, the little cards that indicate where each dinner guest would sit.
They were quite lovely, actually.
But I found I was feeling a bit embarrassed. Who uses place cards anyway? To my delight, my friend Sally complimented me for thinking to use place cards. She said that because of the place cards, no one was going to have to worry about where to sit. I asked her to say more because although I had intuited the need, I hadn’t been about to articulate it for myself. She went on saying that as many of the dinner guests did not know each other, figuring out the seating arrangement would have been awkward to figure out on their own. The place cards took away that pressure. Said Sally, “These little social graces are in place for a reason, you know.”

It was the first time I’d ever thought of it that way.

That said, some of Amy Vanderbilt’s book is just plain nuts. There are eight chapters: Your Private Life; Entertaining with Ease; Weddings; Other Ceremonial Occasions; Your Professional Life; Travel; Sports and Exercise; and The Art of Communicating. Guess which chapter is the longest? The Weddings chapter, of course. I’ve never even peaked at it as I think it’s all bunk. In fact, when I was in seminary and took a class on weddings and funerals the professors (there were two of them) scared the living daylights out of me as they went on and on about who walks down the aisle with who and when and how depending on the hour of the day and the season of the year and the marital status of the parents - - all intricacies of etiquette that must be observed in order to – what? In order that the marriage not be jinxed? None of it serves to make anyone more comfortable. On the contrary, I’ve witnessed many a bride and groom stressing over a minute matter of etiquette.

So I did the sensible thing. I made a commitment to blissful ignorance. I simply tell the couples with whom I work that if any of these rituals are important to them they need to bone up on the rules of wedding etiquette on their own.
This minister doesn’t even know which side of the aisle the groom’s family sits versus the bride’s family. (Which by the way is a lovely non-issue when gay and lesbian couples marry.) Aside from a few helpful tips, the bulk of wedding etiquette serves only to add fuel to the out of control frenzy under girding too many weddings. Let’s not get me started down this road.

Onward!

Because I am, as I said earlier, someone for whom manners is very important, I am also someone who laments the deterioration of civilized social graces. But apparently, this lament is not new.
Truss writes that people have been complaining about the state of manners since at least the 15th century. I thought that was interesting. Perhaps this complaining and concern is part of what helps keep humanity on track. But still, I would say that we are experiencing a crisis of manners more now than ever before in my own lifetime, at least.

My theory? (Actually, it’s not an original theory partially because it so brutally obvious.) Technology has apparently convinced many of us that we are alone in the world … that there is no one who is affected by our presence … or phone conversations, or iPods, or laptops, or Blackberries.
If you believe, despite evidence to the contrary, that you are alone, there’s a whole host of behavior that’s perfectly appropriate that is just not appropriate when surrounded by others. Instead of keeping us all connected, all these means of communication somehow keep us at a distance.
I walk on the Connecticut College’s campus and instead of greeting the students with whom I cross paths, I say nothing as so many of them are talking on their cell phones, unaware that there are fellow human beings passing them by.

It’s rather isolating, the place we find ourselves now, so focused on the self. Lynne Truss writes, “Cut free from any sense of community, we are miserable and lonely as well as rude”.
“This is an age of social autism, in which people just can’t see the value of imagining their impact on others.” She continues: “Manners are about imagination, ultimately. They are about imagining being the other person.” To so imagine, we have to first realize that there is another person TO imagine.

And even those who tend to remember that they aren’t alone in the world forget the foundational manners we’re typically taught at a very young age. That’s right, grown-ups do sometimes forget.
For example, cross talking is sometimes a struggle at All Souls’ Board of Trustee meetings. Board members and I sometimes forget to raise our hands. When there are 11 people sitting around a table, raising hands is important. It ensures that everyone will have a turn. When that rule breaks down, as it does sometimes at the Board’s monthly meeting, a feeling of frustration inevitable bubbles up. Blessedly, someone will say (in so many words) “Hey! We’re forgetting our manners!”

Because it bears repeating, we all need to be reminded at times. Last week, Jackie Pick reminded me, in fact. She called me to request that I make a phone call to help further our quest for our new home. On this particular day, I was feeling frustrated and grumpy, however. She told me what she wanted me to say and I said I would (because I always do what Jackie tells me to do) but I also told her that if I had my druthers, well, I told her what I REALLY wanted to say to this particular person who had gotten my New York up. (Use your imagination.) After my little rant, Jackie very patiently said, “No. Don’t say that, Carolyn. Adjust your halo and make the phone call.” Basically, Jackie was telling me to mind my manners.

Our children and youth here at All Souls need reminding, too. In part, they’re here to learn how to function within a community outside the realm of their families. Each of us has a responsibility to help them and their parents along.
They are fortunate to be in a place where they are valued and adored, even if they do sometimes forget their courtesy words…even if they are at times beside themselves.

We all have an obligation to honor our particular social covenant. It’s not so complicated here at All Souls. Serve others. Say “hello.” Be nice. In short, remember your manners. Even if the “child” is a person of 30 or 40, 50 or 60 years we can say to each other: “Hey! You’re forgetting the three important things in life.”

So actually, I won’t be washing my hands of this one anytime soon. At All Souls, we are reminded each week that we have an impact on others. We are reminded that saying hello, introducing ourselves, giving up a seat, moving over, passing a tissue, helping … that all of these somehow breaks open our hearts. And when we are reminded, we fuel up for the week ahead … until we meet again. We remember that staying home and bolting the door isn’t really an option.

So, keep those courtesy words at the tip of your tongue so that when someone tells you to talk to the hand, as someone inevitably will, you’re able to open your heart instead.

Amen.

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